I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
