if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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