hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
