Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
