Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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