Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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