note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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