Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
