I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
