woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
