Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize