The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
