I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
