I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
if only i could text you this smell
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
