Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
