glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
