You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I pour the whiskey from now on
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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