FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
