my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
