Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
