i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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