There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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