I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
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