Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
