can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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