I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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