how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
