So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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