i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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