I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
