I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize