I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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