you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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