So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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