I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
