I'm jealous of your bromance
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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