so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
