what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
