Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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