When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
