I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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