8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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