god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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