Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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