Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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