Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
