Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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