Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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