be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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