my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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