I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
