There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
