I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize