Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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