Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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