WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Your dad touched me again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
