That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
