She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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