Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
