The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
