Betty ford says i'm here all night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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